Frog Revenge
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. "
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots aftermaking love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick theonly girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the ******* who ran over my FROG!"
__________________________________________________________________
The Sandal Shop
While vacationing in Pakistan, a married couple were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ""You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So, the couple entered.
"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel," the Pakistani man said to them.
After what the Pakistani man claimed, the wife was very interesting in buying the sandals. However, her husband felt he didn't need them at all, being the sex god he was, so he asked the shop owner, "How can sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied by saying, "Just try them on."
After considerable badgering from his wife, the husband conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at his pants. All the while, the Pakistani man was screaming, "The wrong feet! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rodeo Position
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's', and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biology Lesson in Class
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"
A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that
weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller
than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than
the guy's "balls"
Teacher FAINTED
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"
***********************************************************
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
---------------------------------------
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!*!*!*!*!
****************************************************************
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
> > > is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home
> > > unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
> > > closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
> > > She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
> > > the little boy is in there already.
> > > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> > > The man says, "Yes, it is."
> > > Boy - "I have a baseball."
> > > Man - "That's nice."
> > > Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> > > Man - "No, thanks."
> > > Boy - "My dad's outside."
> > > Man - "OK, how much?"
> > > Boy - "$250"
> > >
> > > In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
> > > and the lover are in the closet together.
> > > Boy - "Dark in here."
> > > Man - "Yes, it is."
> > > Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
> > > The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
> > > boy,"How much?"
> > > Boy - "$750"
> > > Man - "Fine."
> > >
> > > A few days later, the father says to the boy,
> > > "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove."
> > > The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> > > Boy -"$1,000"
> > > The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
> > > They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
> > > The boy says, "Dark in here."
> > > The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
Saturday, December 23, 2006
From abroad
Once upon a time , there lived a happy couple, Mr.
& Mrs. Ng with their 3
lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3
daughters were brought up in
a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20,
they were still virgins.
Years past, and it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found
them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got
married and were preparing
to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned',
Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious
about their daughters' first-night experience. So,
before the daughters
went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told
them...... "Your father
& I want to know about your 1st night encounters
and whether you are
satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to
raise your husbands'
curiosity...you all must use a code-name to
describe your experiences"
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed.
Mr & Mrs Ng got the
first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the
letter and found the word
STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the
newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered
advertisement. Ah! here it
is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
Chartered was...."BIG,
STRONG & FRIENDLY"....Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it
was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took
the newspaper and
looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is.
'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE
LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months
passed. There was still no
letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally,
the letter came. It
was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng
managed to figure it
out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng
rushed to the nearest
store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages
frantically.... ah! here it
is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish
it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.
The motto is.........." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".
********************************************************
There were these 4 guys, a French, a Russian, a German and a Singaporean,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he
said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool
of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
"wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman
was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "vodka" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "beer". He was so contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the Singaporean. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"shiiittt...!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name
to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for
"Never Come Home". That's why business was very bad before it changed its name.
Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.
Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going
strong because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home"!
Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a
name change. It stands for "No Use Hospital"!
& Mrs. Ng with their 3
lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3
daughters were brought up in
a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20,
they were still virgins.
Years past, and it was time to get them married.
So, the parents found
them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got
married and were preparing
to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned',
Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious
about their daughters' first-night experience. So,
before the daughters
went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told
them...... "Your father
& I want to know about your 1st night encounters
and whether you are
satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to
raise your husbands'
curiosity...you all must use a code-name to
describe your experiences"
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed.
Mr & Mrs Ng got the
first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the
letter and found the word
STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the
newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered
advertisement. Ah! here it
is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
Chartered was...."BIG,
STRONG & FRIENDLY"....Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it
was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took
the newspaper and
looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is.
'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE
LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months
passed. There was still no
letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally,
the letter came. It
was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng
managed to figure it
out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng
rushed to the nearest
store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages
frantically.... ah! here it
is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
Before she could finish
it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.
The motto is.........." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".
********************************************************
There were these 4 guys, a French, a Russian, a German and a Singaporean,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he
said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool
of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
"wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman
was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "vodka" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "beer". He was so contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the Singaporean. He was running towards the pool when suddenly
he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"shiiittt...!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name
to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for
"Never Come Home". That's why business was very bad before it changed its name.
Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.
Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going
strong because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home"!
Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a
name change. It stands for "No Use Hospital"!
Affair
The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde
teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he has ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.
*******************************************
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you
won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
*******************************************
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde
teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he has ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.
*******************************************
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you
won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
*******************************************
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
MY Favourite
*This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If
you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but
supposedly all true!!!! *
===============================================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
While doing business
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN"
I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions,
*************************************************
Call Centres
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
*******************************************************
One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
*******************************************************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
*******************************************************
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
*******************************************************
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
*******************************************************
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but
supposedly all true!!!! *
===============================================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
While doing business
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN"
I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions,
*************************************************
Call Centres
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
*******************************************************
One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
*******************************************************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
*******************************************************
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
*******************************************************
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
*******************************************************
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
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