Added on September 25, 2007, 3:43 amA soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to
go to Iraq ."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk down the street and back?"
Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."
The little girl replied,” no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I take her for a walk"
Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"
What does that mean?" asked the child.
Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle was on heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."
As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which wasn't going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what on heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed, thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once down the street and back again."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the leash, and no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.
The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to
hang the blinds ?"
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.
The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to
hang the blinds ?"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Malaysian's Best
Pantun Jenaka
Ini negara saya yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Itu KLCC tinggi buat Mat Salleh look like bodoh,
Tapi dalam punya kedai tarak business macam mau roboh,
Barang banyak mahal lu ingat kita taukeh & taukeh soh,
Orang tarak duit shopping duduk dekat luar buat kecoh,
Dekat tarak ikan punya pond buat action tak senonoh.
Dr. M punya Wawasan 2020 sudah tak cukup masa,
Government postpone sampai Wawasan 2050 banyak lama,
Halo lu ingat semua orang betul betul panjang nyawa,
Lim peh itu masa sudah 70 tahun tongkat mesti ada,
Gerenti lu belum achieve wa pun suda kasi tapau masuk keranda.
Alex Yoong masuk F1 tak pernah habis dia punya lumba,
Tapi kita no.1 bila cakap Mat Rempit punya gejala,
Superman Ultraman Batman style apa lu mau pun ada,
Lumba sampai isteri pun tak tau bila jadi janda,
Ingat itu "light at the end of tunnel" rupa-rupanya polis ronda.
Satu kali masuk lokap makan roti berkulat duduk merana.
Itu local film ada la besar punya improvement,
Dulu hanya tau cakap "I", "You", "Men", "Women",
Sampai tarak orang tengok director mau langgar benteng,
Tapi high tech punya filem semua dalam itu Parlimen,
Itu kes "bocor" punya content boleh lawan sama Cicak Man,
Bodoh punya orang buka mulut buat malu Malaysian men.
Saya ada tengok video rapist kena sebat bontot,
Bagus juga sebab banyak rapist hiding belakang empty shoplot,
Sebat belakang saja dia orang sudah jalan bengkang bengkok,
Mau kasi tua kong sikit kasi sebat depan bagi dia hot,
Satu kali kasi putus mau tar fei kei pun cannot.
Football kita paling teruk in the whole Asia,
Tiap kali itu defender cuba kasi header itu bola,
Tak cukup tinggi satu tanduk bola pun tak tau pergi mana,
Own goal mari keeper sama coach tension gila,
Tiap tahun top scorer sure colour hitam dari Africa,
Tanya budak-budak dia hanya tahu Phillimon Chepita.
Sekarang satu trend baru iaitu cuba kopek ATM,
Ada ka bodoh bawak drill & crowbar dekat Summit pukul 3am,
Buat lawak saja yang lagi lawak dari music video Eminem,
Tiap kali mau tarik ATM ada polis datang dia tinggal lori kasi PDRM,
ATM punya duit tak dapat mau lagi rugi lori punya RM.
Proton suda mau lingkup market kena tapau Perodua,
Macam itu MAS tiba-tiba kena challenge sama Air Asia,
Kalau 10 tahun lagi Proton sama MAS improvent langsung tak ada,
Bila kita semua mahu pergi jalan-jalan dekat One Utama,
Get ready kereta tarak semua naik beca.
Ada seorang menteri pakai rambut palsu panggil Sammy Vellu,
Dia punya project jalan highway semua memang semi value,
Smart Tunnel cakap high tech habis duit tax rakyat kepala hotak lu,
Tapi masih banjir sana sini dekat KL rakyat feel like tertipu,
Satu kali Smart Tunnel dia kena banjir sampai atap tengok siapa malu.
Ini negara kita yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Walaupun ada banyak kes pelik-pelik yang macam sial,
Tapi kita orang punya negara masih best gila,
Kasi warning sikit Singapura lu jangan mau naik gatal,
Satu kali buang batu-bata dekat island lu kasi lu karam.
Ini negara saya yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Itu KLCC tinggi buat Mat Salleh look like bodoh,
Tapi dalam punya kedai tarak business macam mau roboh,
Barang banyak mahal lu ingat kita taukeh & taukeh soh,
Orang tarak duit shopping duduk dekat luar buat kecoh,
Dekat tarak ikan punya pond buat action tak senonoh.
Dr. M punya Wawasan 2020 sudah tak cukup masa,
Government postpone sampai Wawasan 2050 banyak lama,
Halo lu ingat semua orang betul betul panjang nyawa,
Lim peh itu masa sudah 70 tahun tongkat mesti ada,
Gerenti lu belum achieve wa pun suda kasi tapau masuk keranda.
Alex Yoong masuk F1 tak pernah habis dia punya lumba,
Tapi kita no.1 bila cakap Mat Rempit punya gejala,
Superman Ultraman Batman style apa lu mau pun ada,
Lumba sampai isteri pun tak tau bila jadi janda,
Ingat itu "light at the end of tunnel" rupa-rupanya polis ronda.
Satu kali masuk lokap makan roti berkulat duduk merana.
Itu local film ada la besar punya improvement,
Dulu hanya tau cakap "I", "You", "Men", "Women",
Sampai tarak orang tengok director mau langgar benteng,
Tapi high tech punya filem semua dalam itu Parlimen,
Itu kes "bocor" punya content boleh lawan sama Cicak Man,
Bodoh punya orang buka mulut buat malu Malaysian men.
Saya ada tengok video rapist kena sebat bontot,
Bagus juga sebab banyak rapist hiding belakang empty shoplot,
Sebat belakang saja dia orang sudah jalan bengkang bengkok,
Mau kasi tua kong sikit kasi sebat depan bagi dia hot,
Satu kali kasi putus mau tar fei kei pun cannot.
Football kita paling teruk in the whole Asia,
Tiap kali itu defender cuba kasi header itu bola,
Tak cukup tinggi satu tanduk bola pun tak tau pergi mana,
Own goal mari keeper sama coach tension gila,
Tiap tahun top scorer sure colour hitam dari Africa,
Tanya budak-budak dia hanya tahu Phillimon Chepita.
Sekarang satu trend baru iaitu cuba kopek ATM,
Ada ka bodoh bawak drill & crowbar dekat Summit pukul 3am,
Buat lawak saja yang lagi lawak dari music video Eminem,
Tiap kali mau tarik ATM ada polis datang dia tinggal lori kasi PDRM,
ATM punya duit tak dapat mau lagi rugi lori punya RM.
Proton suda mau lingkup market kena tapau Perodua,
Macam itu MAS tiba-tiba kena challenge sama Air Asia,
Kalau 10 tahun lagi Proton sama MAS improvent langsung tak ada,
Bila kita semua mahu pergi jalan-jalan dekat One Utama,
Get ready kereta tarak semua naik beca.
Ada seorang menteri pakai rambut palsu panggil Sammy Vellu,
Dia punya project jalan highway semua memang semi value,
Smart Tunnel cakap high tech habis duit tax rakyat kepala hotak lu,
Tapi masih banjir sana sini dekat KL rakyat feel like tertipu,
Satu kali Smart Tunnel dia kena banjir sampai atap tengok siapa malu.
Ini negara kita yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Walaupun ada banyak kes pelik-pelik yang macam sial,
Tapi kita orang punya negara masih best gila,
Kasi warning sikit Singapura lu jangan mau naik gatal,
Satu kali buang batu-bata dekat island lu kasi lu karam.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Best Out of Office Auto Replies
(try using one of these the next time you are out of office)
1.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
2.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
7.
I've run away to join a different circus.
8.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.
Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.
This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.
How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.
Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.
Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.
Wrong address, sorry !
15.
This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
1.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
2.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
7.
I've run away to join a different circus.
8.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.
Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.
This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.
How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.
Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.
Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.
Wrong address, sorry !
15.
This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
Friday, January 19, 2007
United State
Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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