Couples

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" Asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

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An elderly couple were watching TV one evening when the TV Evangelist came on air and offered to pray for the sick. The Evangelist said; "For those of you who are sick and are watching this program tonight, I want to pray with you so that you could be healed from your sickness. I want to ask you to place your right hand on the part of your body that is suffering from some disorder and raise your left hand in the air. The old man placed his right hand on the 'old fello' (private part) and raised the left hand in the air and closed his eyes. His wife saw what he did and slowly whispered to his ears, "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick not to raise the dead'".

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This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday.
He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home.

She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard.
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!".
Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?"

"I am the devil", she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you.
I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."


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To be 10 again.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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Really Tied One On


A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.

Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror."

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This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.

The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.

The husband sneered,... "If it weren't for you and your God damned oat-bran muffins & all that health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago!"


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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

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A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

A good way to express ur love ones.

Or issit?

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life


I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"