Added on September 25, 2007, 3:43 amA soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of
breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to
go to Iraq ."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you
have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A 5 year old girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk down the street and back?"
Mum replies, "No, dear, she's on heat."
The little girl replied,” no she's not sat on anything warm, so can I take her for a walk"
Mum replies " no it's not that kind of heat, its her season time"
What does that mean?" asked the child.
Mum replies, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk down the street and back? I asked Mum, but she said that Belle was on heat and to come to you to tell me what that meant."
As her dad was busy working on an old car he was restoring, which wasn't going too well, he was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of what on heat meant and the 50 WHY questions that would go with it. He sighed, thought for a moment and said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once down the street and back again."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with just the leash, and no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.
The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to
hang the blinds ?"
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives
came to visit. "May we see the new baby?"one of them asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first."
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"When it cries!" she told them.
"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"
"Because, I forgot where I put it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room
without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold
them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.
What could it hurt." They let him in.
The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to
hang the blinds ?"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Malaysian's Best
Pantun Jenaka
Ini negara saya yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Itu KLCC tinggi buat Mat Salleh look like bodoh,
Tapi dalam punya kedai tarak business macam mau roboh,
Barang banyak mahal lu ingat kita taukeh & taukeh soh,
Orang tarak duit shopping duduk dekat luar buat kecoh,
Dekat tarak ikan punya pond buat action tak senonoh.
Dr. M punya Wawasan 2020 sudah tak cukup masa,
Government postpone sampai Wawasan 2050 banyak lama,
Halo lu ingat semua orang betul betul panjang nyawa,
Lim peh itu masa sudah 70 tahun tongkat mesti ada,
Gerenti lu belum achieve wa pun suda kasi tapau masuk keranda.
Alex Yoong masuk F1 tak pernah habis dia punya lumba,
Tapi kita no.1 bila cakap Mat Rempit punya gejala,
Superman Ultraman Batman style apa lu mau pun ada,
Lumba sampai isteri pun tak tau bila jadi janda,
Ingat itu "light at the end of tunnel" rupa-rupanya polis ronda.
Satu kali masuk lokap makan roti berkulat duduk merana.
Itu local film ada la besar punya improvement,
Dulu hanya tau cakap "I", "You", "Men", "Women",
Sampai tarak orang tengok director mau langgar benteng,
Tapi high tech punya filem semua dalam itu Parlimen,
Itu kes "bocor" punya content boleh lawan sama Cicak Man,
Bodoh punya orang buka mulut buat malu Malaysian men.
Saya ada tengok video rapist kena sebat bontot,
Bagus juga sebab banyak rapist hiding belakang empty shoplot,
Sebat belakang saja dia orang sudah jalan bengkang bengkok,
Mau kasi tua kong sikit kasi sebat depan bagi dia hot,
Satu kali kasi putus mau tar fei kei pun cannot.
Football kita paling teruk in the whole Asia,
Tiap kali itu defender cuba kasi header itu bola,
Tak cukup tinggi satu tanduk bola pun tak tau pergi mana,
Own goal mari keeper sama coach tension gila,
Tiap tahun top scorer sure colour hitam dari Africa,
Tanya budak-budak dia hanya tahu Phillimon Chepita.
Sekarang satu trend baru iaitu cuba kopek ATM,
Ada ka bodoh bawak drill & crowbar dekat Summit pukul 3am,
Buat lawak saja yang lagi lawak dari music video Eminem,
Tiap kali mau tarik ATM ada polis datang dia tinggal lori kasi PDRM,
ATM punya duit tak dapat mau lagi rugi lori punya RM.
Proton suda mau lingkup market kena tapau Perodua,
Macam itu MAS tiba-tiba kena challenge sama Air Asia,
Kalau 10 tahun lagi Proton sama MAS improvent langsung tak ada,
Bila kita semua mahu pergi jalan-jalan dekat One Utama,
Get ready kereta tarak semua naik beca.
Ada seorang menteri pakai rambut palsu panggil Sammy Vellu,
Dia punya project jalan highway semua memang semi value,
Smart Tunnel cakap high tech habis duit tax rakyat kepala hotak lu,
Tapi masih banjir sana sini dekat KL rakyat feel like tertipu,
Satu kali Smart Tunnel dia kena banjir sampai atap tengok siapa malu.
Ini negara kita yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Walaupun ada banyak kes pelik-pelik yang macam sial,
Tapi kita orang punya negara masih best gila,
Kasi warning sikit Singapura lu jangan mau naik gatal,
Satu kali buang batu-bata dekat island lu kasi lu karam.
Ini negara saya yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Itu KLCC tinggi buat Mat Salleh look like bodoh,
Tapi dalam punya kedai tarak business macam mau roboh,
Barang banyak mahal lu ingat kita taukeh & taukeh soh,
Orang tarak duit shopping duduk dekat luar buat kecoh,
Dekat tarak ikan punya pond buat action tak senonoh.
Dr. M punya Wawasan 2020 sudah tak cukup masa,
Government postpone sampai Wawasan 2050 banyak lama,
Halo lu ingat semua orang betul betul panjang nyawa,
Lim peh itu masa sudah 70 tahun tongkat mesti ada,
Gerenti lu belum achieve wa pun suda kasi tapau masuk keranda.
Alex Yoong masuk F1 tak pernah habis dia punya lumba,
Tapi kita no.1 bila cakap Mat Rempit punya gejala,
Superman Ultraman Batman style apa lu mau pun ada,
Lumba sampai isteri pun tak tau bila jadi janda,
Ingat itu "light at the end of tunnel" rupa-rupanya polis ronda.
Satu kali masuk lokap makan roti berkulat duduk merana.
Itu local film ada la besar punya improvement,
Dulu hanya tau cakap "I", "You", "Men", "Women",
Sampai tarak orang tengok director mau langgar benteng,
Tapi high tech punya filem semua dalam itu Parlimen,
Itu kes "bocor" punya content boleh lawan sama Cicak Man,
Bodoh punya orang buka mulut buat malu Malaysian men.
Saya ada tengok video rapist kena sebat bontot,
Bagus juga sebab banyak rapist hiding belakang empty shoplot,
Sebat belakang saja dia orang sudah jalan bengkang bengkok,
Mau kasi tua kong sikit kasi sebat depan bagi dia hot,
Satu kali kasi putus mau tar fei kei pun cannot.
Football kita paling teruk in the whole Asia,
Tiap kali itu defender cuba kasi header itu bola,
Tak cukup tinggi satu tanduk bola pun tak tau pergi mana,
Own goal mari keeper sama coach tension gila,
Tiap tahun top scorer sure colour hitam dari Africa,
Tanya budak-budak dia hanya tahu Phillimon Chepita.
Sekarang satu trend baru iaitu cuba kopek ATM,
Ada ka bodoh bawak drill & crowbar dekat Summit pukul 3am,
Buat lawak saja yang lagi lawak dari music video Eminem,
Tiap kali mau tarik ATM ada polis datang dia tinggal lori kasi PDRM,
ATM punya duit tak dapat mau lagi rugi lori punya RM.
Proton suda mau lingkup market kena tapau Perodua,
Macam itu MAS tiba-tiba kena challenge sama Air Asia,
Kalau 10 tahun lagi Proton sama MAS improvent langsung tak ada,
Bila kita semua mahu pergi jalan-jalan dekat One Utama,
Get ready kereta tarak semua naik beca.
Ada seorang menteri pakai rambut palsu panggil Sammy Vellu,
Dia punya project jalan highway semua memang semi value,
Smart Tunnel cakap high tech habis duit tax rakyat kepala hotak lu,
Tapi masih banjir sana sini dekat KL rakyat feel like tertipu,
Satu kali Smart Tunnel dia kena banjir sampai atap tengok siapa malu.
Ini negara kita yang dipanggil Malaysia,
Walaupun ada banyak kes pelik-pelik yang macam sial,
Tapi kita orang punya negara masih best gila,
Kasi warning sikit Singapura lu jangan mau naik gatal,
Satu kali buang batu-bata dekat island lu kasi lu karam.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Best Out of Office Auto Replies
(try using one of these the next time you are out of office)
1.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
2.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
7.
I've run away to join a different circus.
8.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.
Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.
This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.
How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.
Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.
Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.
Wrong address, sorry !
15.
This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
1.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.
2.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.... You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.
7.
I've run away to join a different circus.
8.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....
When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.
Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.
This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.
How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.
Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.
Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.
Wrong address, sorry !
15.
This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
Friday, January 19, 2007
United State
Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Friday, January 5, 2007
Couples
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" Asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple were watching TV one evening when the TV Evangelist came on air and offered to pray for the sick. The Evangelist said; "For those of you who are sick and are watching this program tonight, I want to pray with you so that you could be healed from your sickness. I want to ask you to place your right hand on the part of your body that is suffering from some disorder and raise your left hand in the air. The old man placed his right hand on the 'old fello' (private part) and raised the left hand in the air and closed his eyes. His wife saw what he did and slowly whispered to his ears, "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick not to raise the dead'".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday.
He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home.
She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard.
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!".
Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?"
"I am the devil", she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you.
I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be 10 again.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Really Tied One On
A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.
He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.
When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.
Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?"
"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beer."
"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.
The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.
The husband sneered,... "If it weren't for you and your God damned oat-bran muffins & all that health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes,
" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
A good way to express ur love ones.
Or issit?
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" Asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple were watching TV one evening when the TV Evangelist came on air and offered to pray for the sick. The Evangelist said; "For those of you who are sick and are watching this program tonight, I want to pray with you so that you could be healed from your sickness. I want to ask you to place your right hand on the part of your body that is suffering from some disorder and raise your left hand in the air. The old man placed his right hand on the 'old fello' (private part) and raised the left hand in the air and closed his eyes. His wife saw what he did and slowly whispered to his ears, "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick not to raise the dead'".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday.
He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home.
She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard.
As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!".
Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?"
"I am the devil", she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you.
I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be 10 again.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Really Tied One On
A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.
He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.
When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.
Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?"
"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beer."
"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.
The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.
The husband sneered,... "If it weren't for you and your God damned oat-bran muffins & all that health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes,
" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
A good way to express ur love ones.
Or issit?
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Bank
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grumpy old man walks into a bank and says to the Teller at the counter,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misheard you. What did you say?"
"Listen up b****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this, the Teller leaves the window and goes over to the Manager
to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager
asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the Manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this b**** here is giving you a hard time?"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grumpy old man walks into a bank and says to the Teller at the counter,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misheard you. What did you say?"
"Listen up b****! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Having said this, the Teller leaves the window and goes over to the Manager
to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager
asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the Manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this b**** here is giving you a hard time?"
Blonde
Definite Water Problem
As soon as Susan arrived home, she said to her husband, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."
"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" he asked.
"There's water in the carburetor," Susan replied.
"Sweetheart," her husband said, "please don’t take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."
"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor," insisted Susan.
"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" her husband asked.
"In the lake!" Susan replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diary of a blonde woman on week 1 of marriage
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had
to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice.
Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day.
I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving."
I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into
the bed of lettuce and stood
over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim
came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He
must be stressed at work,
I'll try and be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,
to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the
recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as
when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me
to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday.
I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll
dress and its little cute shoes.
I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started
counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because
of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.When I asked him what
was wrong,he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?".
It has to be his job ...
As soon as Susan arrived home, she said to her husband, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."
"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" he asked.
"There's water in the carburetor," Susan replied.
"Sweetheart," her husband said, "please don’t take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."
"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor," insisted Susan.
"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" her husband asked.
"In the lake!" Susan replied.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diary of a blonde woman on week 1 of marriage
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had
to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and
took a bath before steaming the rice.
Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day.
I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving."
I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into
the bed of lettuce and stood
over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim
came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He
must be stressed at work,
I'll try and be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,
to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the
recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as
when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me
to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday.
I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll
dress and its little cute shoes.
I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started
counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because
of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.When I asked him what
was wrong,he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?".
It has to be his job ...
Touching
It's really a touching story...
A man was walking across the road when he met with
an accident. The impact was on his head which caused
him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his
eyes, his wife was by his side.
He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with
my studies in the University, I failed again and
again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers.
You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I
went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, " ...then I started working in this
little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off
for quite some time. But I was never promoted and
my hard work was notrecognised.
I remained in the same position from the day I joined
the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,
" And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up
you are here with me. There's something I'll really
like to say to you..."She flung herself on the bed and
hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.
Finally her husband said,
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A man was walking across the road when he met with
an accident. The impact was on his head which caused
him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his
eyes, his wife was by his side.
He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with
my studies in the University, I failed again and
again. Sometimes I even had to re-take my papers.
You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I
went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, " ...then I started working in this
little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off
for quite some time. But I was never promoted and
my hard work was notrecognised.
I remained in the same position from the day I joined
the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him,
" And now I meet with an accident and when I wake up
you are here with me. There's something I'll really
like to say to you..."She flung herself on the bed and
hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion.
Finally her husband said,
"I think you bring me bad luck."
I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
